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Thursday, May 23 2019 @ 11:06 PM UTC

Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid)

Safety & Security

By DON WINNER for - Charles March sent me this today with a title of "Try To Read This Without Laughing." Fair enough. I carry a 400,000 volt stun gun for personal defense as a non-lethal option for dangerous security situations. I have had several opportunities to simply present the device with a warning - "back up or I'll zap your ass." Without fail, abusive or argumentative idiots and drug addicts are not as dumb as they act, and one look at the stun gun sends them into a hasty retreat. And, I have to admit that once, as I was getting out of my car after having been hit from behind by a drunk driver, I decided to take the stun gun with me just in case the drunk got testy. Before I left my truck I test-fired the thing because I was not sure of the status of the batteries. Yup, it works. But I forgot to discharge the residual static in the prongs and promptly zapped myself in the ass when I slid it into my back pocket. Anyway, with that having been said, on to the email from Charly: (more)

All Males Be forewarned: Try reading this without laughing:

  • Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:

  • Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

  • WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

  • Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

  • Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two t riple-A batteries, right?

  • There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

  • I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

  • So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

  • All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

  • What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

  • I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

  • I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

  • The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

  • Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!

  • A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

  • P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

  • 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Copyright 2008 by Don Winner for Go ahead and use whatever you like as long as you credit the source. Salud.

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Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid) | 4 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid)
Authored by: Anonymous on Tuesday, September 02 2008 @ 10:16 PM UTC

My God...that was funny...I had tears in my eyes, relating to this guy. Took me 10 minute to settle down to the point wherein I could actually comment. Absolutemently a classic story for Panama Guide Don !


Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid)
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, September 03 2008 @ 12:50 AM UTC

That tops Dick Cavett and anyone else I can think of at the moment!!

Thank-God Charly did not buy a handgun for his wife.

Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid)
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, September 03 2008 @ 06:41 PM UTC

This is by far the funniest thing I have read in years....why? wife feels she needs protection. I got her some pepper spray, but she wants AK47's and Uzis. I have convinced her that a taser would be just fine. I can see myself doing the exact same thing as this's a guy thing.....thank God he did it first. When I sent this article to my wife she said the same thing....she thanks him as well....I'd be dead. I want to thank the author of this article for saving me from the same humiliation and pain.


Why I Carry a Stun Gun (And Why Zapping Yourself is Stupid)
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 28 2009 @ 05:35 PM UTC

I've been researching personal/family security issues for our move to Panama next year and came across this article. My wife and I laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes.

While I'll probably get a 12 gauge for the safe room, I'll likely avoid the stun gun. This guy's story would likely be my story (smile)

Thanks for all your work on your web site. The information is invaluable and I give it to anyone thinking about a move to Panama.